The more I thought about it, the more I realized: My 8 month old daughter is Scorpion, from Mortal Kombat!
It’s been a while since I’ve played the video game “Mortal Kombat”, but I recently watched the movie and instantly found myself reenacting my 8-year-old self! I love how just after you watch a martial arts movie you think in your head “Man, I wish somebody would try and start some stuff right now! I’d give them a big Woo-Paaaaah!” and at the same time your hands are slicing through the air. Like somehow, visual osmosis has become a real thing.
After the movie I begin my day by doing back flips and somersaults around the dirty clothes and dishes. My reasoning is that I’m so powerful, that to combat such a weak opponent would be an insult to my strength. After that, I do nothing. I wait and listen, my head is throwing around words like chakra, meditation, and animality. Then all of a sudden, my concentration breaks. My ears perk as I hear the shout of a worthy opponent, a formidable foe appears to have awaken from their slumber.
The shout becomes louder. By the time I realize it, it’s too late! Like a fisherman, my opponent has cast out their line, only to hook and reel me in like a Sunday Salmon. The shout has transformed into a war-cry, and I prepare myself for battle. Familiarity raises its head, I have encountered this foe many times and know the dangers that lie ahead of me. The cry becomes louder still. As I make contact with my opponent, an uneasy silence comes upon us both. During this time I reminisce on the movie I watched earlier and it dawned upon me: the shout, the anger, the power, and the resilience. The more I think about it, the more I realize, my 8 month old daughter is Scorpion from Mortal Kombat! I quickly turned to gather my weapons: A powerful anti-bacterial fiber (ABF) to erase my foes acidic attacks, and a temporary container to prevent her barrage of attacks in the future.
Her war-cry begins once again, but this time I don’t hear the shrill, instead, I am caught in her reel as the words “Get over heeeere!” bring me in closer. It appears as though my last container has already weakened, I quickly remove it only to find that it has been corroded with toxins. I play the offensive and try to use my ABF to rid my enemy of any attacks, but I’m too late. After a quick set of swift kicks, Scorpion unleashes her secret weapon: The bowel bomb! Legend has it that Scorpion developed this attack to defeat Satan himself! The legend continues by saying that since its arrival, few have ever survived.
She begins this process by lubricating herself with a lukewarm, but highly acidic substance that only she is immune to. With skill and reflex on my side, I quickly use my ABF to prevent any flow of the substance to reach my body. A decoy! How could I be so stupid! I knew I was in trouble by the smile on her face. With all of my might used to block her acidic flow, Scorpion excreted a dark gel-like material to incinerate the flesh of my fingertips. The malicious odor from the gel, coupled with my own distraught and weariness, left me dazed and disoriented. As I stood there, swaying in my final moments, a voice rang throughout the lands, “FINISH HIM!” I knew the end was near.
“No!” I shouted, I shook off my dizziness, used my ABF (and multiple back ups) to remove the acidic spray and excreted gel. I had gone berserk with a flurry of swipes and scrapes. I repositioned myself to throw Scorpion off guard as I made sure to remove all bacteria and acid. Once finished, it was time for me to add the container. Though she fought back with kicks, I could tell she was giving up, admitting defeat. My last container did not last as quickly as I hoped so I opted for one with specific hatred removal properties: Luvs.
I positioned the container, attached the locks and looked Scorpion in the eye. Through miraculous effort and determination, I– a lowly father, had won once again.
My celebration was short-lived as I heard a knock on the door. I went to answer
it, passing by not only dirty clothes and dishes, but now the destruction from my previous battle. When I opened it, my stomach dropped. The figure first looked at me with a smile, but then, after taking a few steps in they panned their attention left and right and it transitioned into a piercing glare. That’s when I realized that the person who came in was not who I was expecting. It was Goro–the four-armed man from the first Mortal Kombat. My wife was back from work.