We had a fight. It’s over now, so I can blog about it! I promised my wife I would never blog about our relationship while I was upset–rules and boundaries folks, rules and boundaries! Continue reading
After the honeymoon and a couple good post-marital arguments, it seems everything goes kinda…stale. In fact, that seems to be one of the biggest questions that long-time married couples have: How do we keep the spice in our marriage?
With my own marriage, I’m beginning to notice this trend. Despite only being married for two years, there’s a certain pattern evolving. A pattern that seems typical of most marriages: I do my thing, she does hers, we talk about it later on and when we’re together we tend to ask each other the question “What do you want to do today?”. That’s our daily routine. For something a little more long-term, about every week we order out, every month we have a cuddle night, and every other month it seems we have an argument that tests the bonds of our marriage. That’s our marriage in a nutshell, and while it may seem perfectly fine on the outside, it does make it hard to say….write the next exciting blog about it! I wonder if my scenario is typical or like most diets, marriage should have a warning of “Results May Vary” somewhere.
Well if you’re like me then I may have just come up with a solution…well, more of an experiment since I’ll actually be testing this. It’s still a routine, but I figure the more general the better.
So for the day to day things, try to do one of the following:
- Text your spouse~A joke, or a poem, or send them a random picture that you just took. The joke doesn’t have to be hilarious, and the poem doesn’t have to be luvy-duvy, the point is to remind them that they’re on your mind.
- Words with Friends! ~This game is insanely addicting and the nice thing is that a single game can be played over the course of 10 days! It’s basically Scrabble but for a smartphone. The app is downloaded through either the Android Market or the Apple App Store, both versions are free and if you don’t have a smartphone it can be played on your computer as well!
- Clean Something! ~I know, I know, I’m reaching! Even though this may not/is not as fun as the first two, this one holds the largest benefit. Cleaning has been proven to lower stress and is one of the most appreciative gestures that can be done. I’m not asking that you clean the entire house or apartment but let’s face it, who doesn’t wish someone would pick up our mess!
- Cook for them~ Most households have a designated chef, someone who is expected to cook. In our society it’s usually the woman, but sometimes the guys do it. Either way, make it a weekly tradition that whoever usually cooks gets to relax on a specific day and the other person fills in. Skip ordering out…for now.
- Did someone say Massage?~ We all know how great it feels to get an amazing massage, the chemical releases our body goes through often times lead to sex, and a better outlook on life (usually in that order!). Be careful with this one though, there’s nothing worse than premeditated arousal. If you’re going to do this then make it special and keep it a secret until the last moment 😉
- Go over your Budget!~I did it again…didn’t I? Well, again, while not the most entertaining way to spend a night with your spouse, good budgeting can open the doors to future opportunities and avoid any future bumps in the road. I admit, it doesn’t compare to a massage, but when most marriage arguments are about money in some form, this one was a must have.
Once a Month:
- Order out~Instead of doing it every week, which can get expensive and time-consuming, try taking it up to once a month. Limiting to once a month helps to make it a special occasion instead of a “just-something-we-do”. In addition the long-term effects are more money and better health–who can argue with that?
- Go on a Trip!~Now this one requires the most thought. I don’t mean a trip across the country or anywhere too far–with gas the way it is who can afford it! I’m asking that you find somewhere in your city, that you haven’t been before: A batting cage, a skating rink, mini-golf, anywhere. Try to keep it fresh, going to the movies is great but finding a great sunset location is even better!
- Just Talk~ I’m talking no TV, no music, no noise, lights dim and candles optional! Ask each other fundamental questions like “Am I doing a good job?” “Why do you love me?” “Are you happy?”and “What can I do better?” Remember, this is a time to talk and appreciate each other…not argue! Cuddle up with your spouse and keep the conversation to a whisper.
And finally, Every Other Month:
- Whatever you want!~Anything is better than arguing!
Will you still have trials and tribulations? Hopefully, because that’s how you grow and discover just how strong your marriage is. I hope this “routine” helps out. Remember I said it’s an experiment, so be sure to follow me on twitter as I post my progress, and be sure to let me know if this is helping keep the spice in your marriage and the “blah” out of blogging!
Until next time,
Preface: To my adoring wife, please know that just by me writing this is it an admission of guilt! I have never cheated on you and have no intentions to start.
~Your adoring husband
Now, depending on who you talk to (male or female), you may get two different answers. Rather, the same answer but phrased two different ways! But before we get that far, let’s set the stage: What is cheating? Is it just sex? If it is, does that mean I can kiss any woman’s neck? Ok, so it’s obviously more than sex, but what are the boundaries? As men, we shouldn’t feel guilty for merely having a conversation with a woman, unless that conversation has somatic intentions! WolframAlpha defines cheating as “violating accepted standards or rules”. Guys, I already know what you’re thinking: Loophole! I can see it now, “Well baby, I never knew that was a rule!”. Needless to say, I don’t care for that definition, and in fact, I don’t care for much of the others that I’ve come across. They’re all too…vague. Cheating is a big topic, you would think there would be some clarification as to what it is! Men are….. stupid, there, I said it! As a man, I know that I have smart moments, but when sided next to my wife I don’t stand a chance.
The definition I made up, and like to use is: “having an internal desire to please another person and acting on it in hopes that-the desire may be perceived, contrary to what a partner of relation may like”. I think it clears things up a lot if we use that definition. Broken down it’s basically: I must have feelings, I have to do something to show that person I have feelings for them, and it’s all despite what my partner would otherwise say.
OK, now that we have that cleared up: Why do Men Cheat?
So to the men, reading this, remember: If a player is stuck in a game he doesn’t want to play–for whatever reason, he’s going to change the rules. Plain and simple. I can hear all the men right now “ahhhhhhh….that makes sense!”
Ladies, if you didn’t get it, listen up: If your husband is stuck in a marriage he doesn’t want to be in–but can’t get out of, he’s gonna cheat…all day everyday, whether you know it or not.
I don’t know who coined it, but it’s the “80/20 rule”. They say in Marriage, you’re only going to get at most 80% or what you need/want. The problem then becomes that men go searching for that 20% while not realizing what they may lose. So women, I know you like to use sex as a way to make sure your husband behaves, but please remember: If he can’t get the sex he wants, he knows 10 other woman he can have sex with…and chances are he already has their phone number!
Cheating with another woman is HUGE, but it’s not the only thing. Porn is a big one. I watch porn. Everyone reading this blog has seen porn at least once. How do I know–because you’re on the internet! But porn, can be a form of cheating. I’ll give two examples to clear this up. The first one is obvious, using my own definition: I desire the person I’m looking at, I’m doing an action so that they can perceive it, and my significant other wouldn’t like me doing it—BOOM, cheating. But like I said before, I watch porn, but I’m not a cheater. In my circumstance it’s a little different. My sex drive, like many other men, is a lot higher than my wife’s. Since we’ve had our daughter she’s gone through the stages of recuperating, breastfeeding and now working again but the sex drive isn’t there anymore. So I talked to my wife (hint,hint) explaining that my needs weren’t getting met, I was contemplating cheating, but remembered the 80/20 rule and turned to porn. My wife knows I watch porn. Call it a weakness, but I’m not perfect. I don’t let it get in the way of my family/daily life. My wife understands that she can’t meet my needs–heck we have to fall short somewhere and so she permits me to do so. With her, she doesn’t want to see it, hear it, or anything. Out of site, out of mind. Thus, going back to my definition: I have the feeling, and I act on it, but it is not contrary to what my wife would say. Does she prefer it? She loathes the idea, but she and I know it’s better than the alternative since she’s not able to fill that void.
So why do guys cheat? Because we’re stupid. Sorry guys, I tried to sugar-coat it but that’s all I came up with. If you feel the need guys, just talk to your wife. I know it sounds scary, but not as scary as finding out you finally found someone who likes to have sex as much as you do, but they don’t cook, or clean and the only trick they do is juggle all of your credit cards!
So what do you guys think? Have you ever been cheated on/done the cheating? Feel free to leave a comment down below talking about what you think caused it!
Being a husband is a lot different from how it used to be.
My dad rules his marriage with a stern demeanor; reining king of his monarchy. I in no way dismiss this “old school” way of matrimony, quite the contrary. I believe this method requires the utmost discipline and foresight–a sort of “there’s a method to my madness” mentality.
It’s just that in today’s world the wife is no longer the second in command. Furthermore, ever since chivalry died, she’s been taken off of her pedestal, and there is a new focus on how a husband is supposed to raise a household.
Baby, there’s going to be times when we disagree, and no matter how much we talk it through we’re not going to see eye to eye. When that happens, someone has to have the final say. I promise you that it’s not always going to be me, but it’s not always going to be you either.
I remember saying those words to my wife in the earlier parts of our marriage. It goes against human nature–and our social culture, to have two units in command: We have one president, we’ve always had one teacher at a time, and since we are animals, every group (or pack) needs a pack leader. In fact the only time we aren’t presented with one clear and definite leader is when we’re growing up, with 2 parents.
To digress, haven’t you noticed that kids that grow up with a dad and no mom usually lack sensitivity, or when given the opposite lack forcefulness? I’m speaking in general of course, but it’s an odd paradigm: we live in a nation that abandoned the monarchy, yet our culture still revolves around the leadership of one.
So to come full circle, the role of today’s husband is not to put our wives just below us, nor is it to raise them on a pedestal. As husbands our job–and it is a job, is for us and our wives to be at each other’s side. Living and breathing proof, that if our society demands just a single leader, then husbands and wives will become one, to act–and decide, as a sole entity.
Sofia one day, sooner than I may realize, you’ll be reading this post. It’s scary to think about! I guess I should start by explaining that there is a pretty good show on right now called “How I Met Your Mother” that revolves around a guy detailing to his kids, well…how he met their mother. It’s been going on for I believe 7 seasons now, and I preface by saying, my story isn’t that long.
I had just dropped out of college after 2 years and your Grandpa–my dad, was still pretty upset. The stench of disappointment reeked through his 3rd shift uniform and he wasted no time in handing me a newspaper, telling me to start applying for jobs. I believe his words were “Get off your ass and go find a job!”– as he often so eloquently put matters. Little did I know that, that there, him handing me the newspaper, was the metaphorical butterfly flap that caused the tornado half way around the world–or at least in this case, at a local Mexican Restaurant.
LOS AGAVES. NOW HIRING SERVERS.
I can’t emphasize enough the fact that I was looking for Los Agaves. The iphone hadn’t entered my life just yet and I had only been driving for a year before going to college. In short, I was lost! A right here, a left there, I thought I had somewhat of an idea of where it was. “Boom!” as I often say when I find something. There it was, a local Mexican restaurant with a “Now Hiring” sign. The only problem is that it wasn’t Los Agaves, it was called “Ganzos”.
I figured, ‘hey, if the shoe fits’ right? I walked in casual, sporting a business casual outfit: denim jeans and a black button-down, aka a server’s uniform. “Hi, I just wanted to fill out an application.” The cashier at the counter nonchalantly handed me a two-sided form. I reached into my pocket to grab my pen–no pen! I did the typical patting of all my pockets while smiling sheepishly. “I’m sorry to bother you, but umm, do you have a pen I can borrow?” She handed me one and continued to pay no attention. I took my time in filling out the application. I spent most of that time taking in the atmosphere and making sure the restaurant was a good fit for me (like my dad cared about that). Experience has taught me to always hand the application to the manager, and when he came out I handed him the application, gave a firm handshake, and was on my way.
THE CALL BACK
I got the job! I came back 3 days later and filled out the typical paper work. He said he was pleased with my open attitude and that I came dressed for the part. He admitted that he instructs the cashiers to act like they aren’t paying attention and take notes on what their first impressions are of the applicant. That’s when he brought it up. “You know, we have a strict policy that if you are going to fill out an application, you should have the foresight to bring a pen to write with…but the cashier over there insisted that you looked like you would make a great addition….Marlen’s her name.” We both looked at her at the same time, and it was the first time that I paid her any real attention. I remember thinking “Hmm..that’s a weird name for a woman….Marlen”. A plain looking woman, keeping to herself, no real emotion, just…plain. I wish I could say some it was at that moment blah blah blah, but it took some time. A lot of time!
And there you have it Sofia, that’s the end of how we met which in turn, is the beginning of how you came to be! In short, she just handed me an application. But I’ve replayed that story hundreds of times in my head and the “what if’s” keep coming up: What if my dad didn’t make me get a job, or if Los Agaves wasn’t hiring, or if I wore a different outfit. It makes me realize how little control we have on our lives, and helps me appreciate each day for what it’s worth, and what it has to offer. In the end, at least you’ll never have to wonder, how I met you mother.
ps: Turns out, Los Agaves is 1/2 mile over, and they have horrible Mexican food.